The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
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Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
When your man makes a valid point
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.