Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
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The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]