ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
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[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Me in tagged photos
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures