Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
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Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.