Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
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“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Lmao
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
What flavor cupcake are these
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.