Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
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Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
you have three unread messages
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.