you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
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If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.