you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
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The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I can’t believe how different life was before
Al Gore invented the Internet
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
H: Removing unmentionables
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree