Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
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How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.