ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
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A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.