My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
You Might Also Like
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed