If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
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Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
At least my masseuse has my back.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
What
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak