Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
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ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.