“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
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Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends