What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
You Might Also Like
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
And now we wait