Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
You Might Also Like
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Well, my evening plans are ruined
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
The struggle is real.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”