Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
![]()
You Might Also Like
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
![]()
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.