Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
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A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”