Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
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Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Lube but for my dry humor.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
my lower back watching me try to live my life
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang