My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
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Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong