My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

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Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.


She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.


My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.


Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow


Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.


Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.


My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.


I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.


Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.


Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist