My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
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Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it