When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
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I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN