wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
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Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.