[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
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Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.