Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
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Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
selena gomez
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes