Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
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God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Rich people don’t understand cereal
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?