I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
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while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
They say women only use 10% of their anger
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
My whole life was a lie.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
#StillHurts
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot