They say women only use 10% of their anger
You Might Also Like
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Did…did a minotaur write this
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
me when the borders lift
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!