Why aren’t more people talking about this?
You Might Also Like
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”