“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
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When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”