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A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.