cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
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“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.