just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
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My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.