Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
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JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.