@IGotsSmarts

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

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@velvettusk

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

@capnwatsisname

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

@1Happytwit

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

@DALIA

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

@GDUB18T

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

@SolelyB

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

@Gupton68

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.