If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
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Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts