[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
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ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.