Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
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PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants