For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
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Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”