My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
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*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries