Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
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Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.