Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
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Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I hate when that happens.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
They did not miss in the small print
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
This took me a second..
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.