At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
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lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Never forget.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.