I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
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*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
live long and prosper!
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming