I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
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[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do