I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
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“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I’m already scared
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.