I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
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[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
repaired
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.