we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
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People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.