Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

what my late-night hot pocket sees

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!