If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
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FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
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Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
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cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.