If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
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is the plural of judas judasses or judi
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Genius idea!!
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.