nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
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them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Buck naked
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Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
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someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Taliband
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I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage