a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
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“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
are there any atheist mantises?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
My neck my back my allergy attack
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?