[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
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What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.