It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
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“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
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Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.