It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
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Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I was bored.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.