I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
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I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!