I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
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I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE