“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
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Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Why is everyone getting married at me